Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
