Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
