can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize