i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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