You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
