oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
