so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
