Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
