It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
