Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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