ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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