had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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