Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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