He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
