Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
