You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Even my vagina gasped.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
