i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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