last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
