Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
