PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
