I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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