And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize