I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
