Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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