broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
