I met the friendliest cop last night
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
