I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
