I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
