Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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