i used baking grease as lip gloss
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
