I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
