I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize