You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
