I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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