I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
