The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize