sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
