Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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