maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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