That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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