I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
