She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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