I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
