do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
