My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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