He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
