i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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