I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
