You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
