oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize