Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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