I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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