omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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