just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
