It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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