So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
