You're a womanizer and a bitch.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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