Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize