Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
