it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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