So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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